I have been in the dirty apple for a decade now and consider it the greatest city in the world. At 21, a young doughy-eyed thespian was called to the city to fulfill his life long dream of dancing on Broadway. Thank God for answering prayer. Its been a charmed existence here in the city of dreams rubbing elbows with both the glitterati and the shiterrati ( I love making up words). Seriously, I have had a blast here. Career, Friends, Money, Lifestyle, and Access. But here I am on the anniversary of September 11th sitting in my beautiful sprawling apartment unable to shake the feeling that there is a hole. A gaping, vacuous, hole that I never anticipated. What good is upward mobility in my third decade if that hole is unfulfilled, unaddressed?... I WANT TO BE IN LOVE!
No. Not the volatile, fleeting, irrational "in love" of my twenties. I have definitely had my fill of being a chickenhead and entertaining the chicken coop. Falling for esthetics, or financial position or pure GODDAM factor. Im talking about the "in love" my parents shared for 25 years. The "in love" that propels both lover and lovee to higher heights and loftier goals. The "in love" that we all are sent to this earth to find and experience. Yeah, that one.
I can hear you now... but you are so fly and fabulous, surely you have had lovers crawling out of your ears. To that I say... OF COURSE I HAVE! LOL. But the decision to love and be loved is just that, a decision. I can have several stellar choices for a mate but if I am unwilling and unskilled, the proverbial rubber never hits the road :) No one taught me that one. I actually have to decide to be in a relationship, be open to my partner and do the hard work of staying together? Yikes. Originally, I believed in the fairy tale version of things. You spot one another from across a crowded room, hearts roll out of your eyes, and you glide towards each other while celestial voices sing in perfect harmony and then live strife-free ever after. I still like that scenario I just know that subsequently those voices can go from celestial to demonic to a whistle of complete boredom. I am preparing myself, and my life for the latter phases of love. In my twenties, I was never able to circumvent the demon part.
Are there any potential suitors? Maybe, maybe not. I ain't giving it all up on blogspot dot com! LOL! I just know that I have to be prepared when the time and person are right. I don't want to enjoy the next decade's success without a special person beside me. Its important. So, Im doing my part. Refining myself. Re-defining my goals and pushing the limits of my facilities. I KNOW now is my time. The tone is hopeful and the possibilities are many. I just hope I choose correctly and don't end up with another chickenhead. Poultry is so hard to digest.
I think it was watching the September 11th memorial today that made me dig into this gnawing feeling. So many holes where loved ones used to be. Cliched, but, It really makes one think about what's important. What's of value.
Well, I'm on the hunt. I know I'm not supposed to say I'm looking for love but.... I am. Eyes and heart open. Ready, willing, able, and armed with the tools for absolute relationship success. I adore this part. The part when I don't know what the fuck is about to happen......
As always cover and flank me in your prayers as you can be sure I am doing the same 4 you,
Scooby
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